This post is LONG with no pictures, SORRY! Just wanted to get this struggle out
there and if you are struggling right now, I hope this will help give you some
peace.
I know that I have been unemployed for only about a month
after passing my NCLEX, but a month has been enough time to decide that I am
unwanted, inadequate and uninteresting. I have had many interviews and none of
them have gone my way. This has never happened to me before. I have always
gotten the job from every interview that I have done and I have gone to every
college that I have ever wanted to go to. The only other time that I remember
not being wanted was trying out for the soccer team in Middle School.
Up until this point, my life has been pretty easy. Until
this last year and a half, I have never had anyone in my family pass away. I
made every sports team that I ever wanted to be on (except soccer in Middle
School), I got every job that I wanted, I got into Baylor and then the
University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio, I thankfully have
never had to experience poverty or wonder if school was going to get paid for,
I have an incredible family, and I married an incredible man while I was still
in college who gave me another amazing family. Not to say that I have never
complained or thought my life was hard, but looking back, my life has been
pretty easy. And I’m sure that I will look back at this time in my life and
say, “what was I ever worried about?”
But I just wanted to put all of this down on paper (or
online) because I’m sure someone else is feeling this too. It might not be
unemployment that you are dealing with, but it could be many different things. I
just wanted to share what I have been learning through this time and hopefully
it will help someone else as well.
I graduated from Nursing School at the end of August and
took my NCLEX at the end of September. I had really only applied to one place
because I was more than confident (silly me!) that I would get that job. It was
for a Residency Program for the NICU at Methodist Children’s Hospital. I had
spent almost the last three months of my nursing education in that unit at that
hospital and I even had a nurse there give me a recommendation to work there. I
knew where everything was, I knew many of the nurses and management there, and
when I was doing my Immersion for school, my preceptor told me that I knew more
now than most people do after completing the Residency. I also mistakenly got an email from the woman
that would later be interviewing me telling the manager of the NICU how great I
was. So maybe I just thought all of these meant that I would definitely be
getting the job there.
Fast-forward to this week when the Residency started and all
of the feelings of inadequacy started creeping in. It didn’t make any sense and
it still doesn’t make any sense to me that I did not get that job, however, in
the back of my mind I know that God is good and He has good things for me. But
saying this and actually believing it and having faith that God really does
have something better for me is totally different. I was actually thinking this
morning that I know that God has something better for me, but really until that
something better comes, I am not fully convinced. Isn’t that sad? Why does it
have to be that way? Why can’t I have faith and believe that God has something
better for me right now even when that something better isn’t here yet? I am
just trying to allow God to move in this place in my life because I don’t have
any answers for this one. I pray that I become a person that has unbelievable
faith and that getting the word “wait” from God is not the end of the world.
The past few days during my quiet time, I have had trouble
worshiping. Worship is my absolute favorite thing to do, and I was just not
able to fully worship. During my quiet times I put my phone on shuffle and I
get whatever song the Lord wants me to sing next. It wasn’t until today that I
realized that the worship songs that I had been listening to were songs that
were joyful and turning my mourning into dancing. Ultimately this is not what I
needed in this time. This morning was
different. This morning I was able to worship Jesus for such a long time.
This was my song list for my quiet time this morning:
- Through and Through by Will Reagan and United Pursuit Band
- My Little One by Jon Thurlow
- One Hundred Three by Antioch LIVE
- I Knew What I Was Getting Into by Misty Edwards
- Restoration by Antioch Community Church
- My Dear by Bethel Music
- You are Good by Gateway Worship
- I Need You More by Chris McClarney
- Our God Comes by Antioch LIVE
- God and King by Antioch LIVE
These songs are so good! Listen to them if you can!
This morning my worship was about being broken and God
seeing me in my brokenness. I just want to encourage you that sometimes God
would rather hear your tears and your brokenness over pushing through and
praising Him. I have been trying to praise God for everything in my life the
past few days, when really I needed to be honest with him and tell him that I
am hurting. Yes, God is ALWAYS good and He is still worthy of my praise ALL the
time, but this morning I believe that He wanted me to bring my brokenness to
Him through worship. These songs were perfect this morning and it really showed
me that He wants all of me. Not always just praising Him.
This worship time allowed me to really process this time of
unemployment and realize that God is using it for His good. The absolute most
important thing in this world is my relationship with God and in this time of
waiting for a job, I am able to spend endless amounts of time with him. This is
such a sweet time that I get to spend with Jesus. I might not ever get this
much time to spend with Jesus again with a career and kids, so I have decided
that I will make this time of waiting a time of spending time with the Lord.
And the feelings I have of being unwanted, inadequate, and
uninteresting have been placed at the feet of Jesus because there is no need
for me to hold on to those when I have a Father that can take care of those
thoughts. Even if I may be unwanted, inadequate, and uninteresting to some
people, in the eyes of the Lord, I am his little girl and he wants me and
thinks that I am more than adequate. Jesus is so compassionate and his mercies
are new every morning. Thank you Lord that your goodness, kindness, and mercy
are forever!
Just be encouraged that the Lord sees you and knows what you
are going through. Our God is not a distant God. He is walking right by you
every day of your life and wants you to know that you are loved and wanted by
Him. How great is that?
I am clinging to this verse this week.
Jeremiah 29: 11-14
11 For I know the plans I have for
you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to
give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come
and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You
will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring
you back from captivity.”
