This post is LONG with no pictures, SORRY! Just wanted to get this struggle out there and if you are struggling right now, I hope this will help give you some peace.
I know that I have been unemployed for only about a month after passing my NCLEX, but a month has been enough time to decide that I am unwanted, inadequate and uninteresting. I have had many interviews and none of them have gone my way. This has never happened to me before. I have always gotten the job from every interview that I have done and I have gone to every college that I have ever wanted to go to. The only other time that I remember not being wanted was trying out for the soccer team in Middle School.
Up until this point, my life has been pretty easy. Until this last year and a half, I have never had anyone in my family pass away. I made every sports team that I ever wanted to be on (except soccer in Middle School), I got every job that I wanted, I got into Baylor and then the University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio, I thankfully have never had to experience poverty or wonder if school was going to get paid for, I have an incredible family, and I married an incredible man while I was still in college who gave me another amazing family. Not to say that I have never complained or thought my life was hard, but looking back, my life has been pretty easy. And I’m sure that I will look back at this time in my life and say, “what was I ever worried about?”
But I just wanted to put all of this down on paper (or online) because I’m sure someone else is feeling this too. It might not be unemployment that you are dealing with, but it could be many different things. I just wanted to share what I have been learning through this time and hopefully it will help someone else as well.
I graduated from Nursing School at the end of August and took my NCLEX at the end of September. I had really only applied to one place because I was more than confident (silly me!) that I would get that job. It was for a Residency Program for the NICU at Methodist Children’s Hospital. I had spent almost the last three months of my nursing education in that unit at that hospital and I even had a nurse there give me a recommendation to work there. I knew where everything was, I knew many of the nurses and management there, and when I was doing my Immersion for school, my preceptor told me that I knew more now than most people do after completing the Residency. I also mistakenly got an email from the woman that would later be interviewing me telling the manager of the NICU how great I was. So maybe I just thought all of these meant that I would definitely be getting the job there.
Fast-forward to this week when the Residency started and all of the feelings of inadequacy started creeping in. It didn’t make any sense and it still doesn’t make any sense to me that I did not get that job, however, in the back of my mind I know that God is good and He has good things for me. But saying this and actually believing it and having faith that God really does have something better for me is totally different. I was actually thinking this morning that I know that God has something better for me, but really until that something better comes, I am not fully convinced. Isn’t that sad? Why does it have to be that way? Why can’t I have faith and believe that God has something better for me right now even when that something better isn’t here yet? I am just trying to allow God to move in this place in my life because I don’t have any answers for this one. I pray that I become a person that has unbelievable faith and that getting the word “wait” from God is not the end of the world.
The past few days during my quiet time, I have had trouble worshiping. Worship is my absolute favorite thing to do, and I was just not able to fully worship. During my quiet times I put my phone on shuffle and I get whatever song the Lord wants me to sing next. It wasn’t until today that I realized that the worship songs that I had been listening to were songs that were joyful and turning my mourning into dancing. Ultimately this is not what I needed in this time. This morning was different. This morning I was able to worship Jesus for such a long time.
This was my song list for my quiet time this morning:
- Through and Through by Will Reagan and United Pursuit Band
- My Little One by Jon Thurlow
- One Hundred Three by Antioch LIVE
- I Knew What I Was Getting Into by Misty Edwards
- Restoration by Antioch Community Church
- My Dear by Bethel Music
- You are Good by Gateway Worship
- I Need You More by Chris McClarney
- Our God Comes by Antioch LIVE
- God and King by Antioch LIVE
These songs are so good! Listen to them if you can!
This morning my worship was about being broken and God seeing me in my brokenness. I just want to encourage you that sometimes God would rather hear your tears and your brokenness over pushing through and praising Him. I have been trying to praise God for everything in my life the past few days, when really I needed to be honest with him and tell him that I am hurting. Yes, God is ALWAYS good and He is still worthy of my praise ALL the time, but this morning I believe that He wanted me to bring my brokenness to Him through worship. These songs were perfect this morning and it really showed me that He wants all of me. Not always just praising Him.
This worship time allowed me to really process this time of unemployment and realize that God is using it for His good. The absolute most important thing in this world is my relationship with God and in this time of waiting for a job, I am able to spend endless amounts of time with him. This is such a sweet time that I get to spend with Jesus. I might not ever get this much time to spend with Jesus again with a career and kids, so I have decided that I will make this time of waiting a time of spending time with the Lord.
And the feelings I have of being unwanted, inadequate, and uninteresting have been placed at the feet of Jesus because there is no need for me to hold on to those when I have a Father that can take care of those thoughts. Even if I may be unwanted, inadequate, and uninteresting to some people, in the eyes of the Lord, I am his little girl and he wants me and thinks that I am more than adequate. Jesus is so compassionate and his mercies are new every morning. Thank you Lord that your goodness, kindness, and mercy are forever!
Just be encouraged that the Lord sees you and knows what you are going through. Our God is not a distant God. He is walking right by you every day of your life and wants you to know that you are loved and wanted by Him. How great is that?
I am clinging to this verse this week.
Jeremiah 29: 11-14
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.”